The little guys were supposed to be napping. They had other ideas.

I heard the rustling, realized they were probably out of their cribs, but I decided to let them be for a few moments while I finished my last quick post. Oh what a foolish woman I am!

I walked to their room, opened the door and nearly fell over backwards. Upon opening the door, I released such a putrid stench; mere words cannot do it justice.

E had removed his diaper and decided to let a turd loose on the carpet. Judging by the carnage, he then decided to step on said turd with both feet and take a little tour of his bedroom. Apparently he became bored with the stomping game and smeared it all over his face and in his hair then peed on a rug for bonus points.

To intensify this whole new game, L turned on the little free-standing heater which enhanced the odor of the shit-smeared room. The heater plan was 2-fold, in that it acted as an oven, baking on the poop to both E and the entire room. It was a Turkish Turd House and I must say there is nothing quite like the smell of hot shit.

Needless to say the rest of my day was spent bathing, cleaning rugs and steam cleaning the carpet. It's really difficult to remove baked on poo by the way. The whole time I'm thinking of my girlfriend Trishie who has twins just a couple of weeks older than mine. She has been battling the poop smearing problem for quite a few months. I remember the first time she told me about it, I was horrified and soooooo thankful that my two weren't that creative. I guess the times are a changing. Time to bust out the Blues Clues potty seat and give this new hell of potty training a whirl. NOT looking forward to it at all!

Although it was a little insane, it was for the most part, quite lovely. The boys loved their train table and new cars. They were thrilled with their trikes, but due to some crappy weather, they have yet to learn to ride them properly.

I'm excited for the new year. While I don't have any resolutions, I plan to take more time for myself and write something everyday on my blog. Quite often I wait till I have something "big" to say, then because it's so BIG I never have time to write it down. I just need to change my habits about it.

Cheers!

ELVIS JR. VISITS THE HOSPITAL:
My mom's intestines ruptured. Pretty gross huh? She was in pain for several days, medicating herself with pain killers she swiped from my uncle. She must have run out and decided to get to the Urgent Care. They took a sonogram of her stomach area and told her about the rupture and made her go right to the hospital.

The operated the next day, tried to clean up all the poison floating around in her body, gave her a colostomy bag and told her she needed to recover for several weeks before they could go back in and re-attach her intestines. Well this was just the begining of a huge downward spiral. Apparently she neglected to tell anyone about her emphesema. After surgery her body just sort of shut down, mainly due to lack of breathing. On top of that her body was detoxing from alcohol and drugs. She was in bad shape. What was supposed to be a 1-2 day stay in intesive care turned into several.

THE LONG OBNOXIOUS ARM OF THE LAW:
I drove down with the the boys. A six hour car ride with toddler twins is never a good idea, especially when mommy's mind is elswhere. The kids did ok for the most part. Thank the goddess for portable DVD players is all I can say. Blues Clues and Bear and the Big Blue House kept them somewhat quiet the majority of the time. There was tons of fog the first 100 miles of the trip which really slowed me down. Finally it cleared and I was able to drive a bit faster. The kids took this moment to have a melt-down and felt the need to take turns screaming and thowing small toys, binkies and sippy cups inside the car. I was so distracted the I never noticed the CHP rolling up behind me, nor did I notice I was going 90 miles per hour in a 70 mile an hour zone. He gave me a big fat ticket, which I totally deserved. Afterwards I cried quite a bit, things started getting to me, but I did slow my ass down.

TO THE HOSPITAL I GO:
My first visit to her was a total shock, I knew she was in bad shape, but nothing prepared me for what I saw. She had lost about 10 lbs, mainly from her face. She had several machines monitoring everything. She was on oxygen. They couldn't access her veins, so the had to put a shunt in her neck, with many wires curling out from it to the many machines. Her breathing was horrible and she kept popping in and out of concsiousness. Well she wasn't really ever "conscious" the first few visits and she was having lots of hallucinations and delusions.

This is the same hospital that I lost my father to stomach cancer almost 17 years ago (2 days before Christimas) My mom looked just like he did towards the end of his life. All the bad memories, the smells and and sounds of that damned hospital hit me like a bag of rocks. I could barely cope with it all.

Steve arrived a few days later and was a complete shit. Apparently his asshole boss dumped a ton of work on him just before he left town. Even though he was supposed to be on vacation, he was told to just deal with it and get it done. To be honest I wish he had just stayed home and worked. That's how much of an asshole he was being. I was mad that I had to try and "handle" him as well as the twins and my mom. Thanks for the help buddy.

LOGAN ESCAPES:
My mom was finally released from the hospital about a week later. She lives with my 80 year old grandma. We all went to visit , Sister and her two kids, me, Steve and the boys. We wanted the kids to play outside as much as possible, since the nurses were visiting when we arrived. My grandmother accidentally let Logan escape out of the backyard. He apparently snuck out behind her as she was going to the front yard and forgot to close the door properly behind her. We realized about 2 minutes later that Logan was not in the back yard. My heart dropped as I noticed the door ajar. I just started running towards the street, which is a very busy one. She has a long drive way and as I was racing up it, I noticed several cars just stopped at a weird angle in the street. I was afraid to look, thinking Logan was dead in the road. Luckily, some woman stopped her car and was able to grab him out of the street. He was running down the middle of the street! I about had a heart attack, I was in shock and horrified about what could have happened. As I silently went through the "what ifs" in my mind, my husband was lost it and started yelling at everyone. I wanted to kill him that day, or at least throw a huge rock at his face to shut him up.

At the end of the Thankgiving holiday I'm left fatter and frustrated. My mom has a very long road to recovery and there wasn't much I could do to really help her out. I had wonderful intentions when I went down there. My husband single handedly offended just about every member of my immediate family, in fact every day I recieve and new little factoid about things said. I have to come to terms with my limitations, due to the fact that I have little toddler boys attatched to my hip. They must come first. Where's the me time? Long gone I suppose.

So where does all this leave me now? I don't know except maybe some counseling with the hubby and some time to myself to recharge my batteries. If things keep going at this pace, I simply wont make it. If my husband doesn't step up and be more of a partner, We simply wont make it. It's hard to have sooo many things in your life spinning out of control, with little or nothing you can do to stop it. Maybe it's a lack of control issue that 's making me crazy, just one more thing i'm left to ponder.

In the end it's not all doom and gloom, I will simply get through it a little at a time. I'm working on simplifying everything around me, including my expections and outlook on certain situations. I suppose that's a start.

All that stress, all that expense and that emotional, hormonal rollercoaster was all for nothing. Negative beta and now my period. Frack. I'm just kind of beyond putting it into words. I'm sad and angry at the same time. We have two embies left and I'll consider trying again next year. For now I'm trying to put it out of my mind and have a fun holiday, with many cocktails involved.

I'm so damned annoyed with my RE clinic. It's been a few years since I've been there, so the memories of being treated like a rich piece of meat have obviously faded. Oh, it's all been coming back to me now! The joy.

Appointment 1-The Consult. DH obviously wanted to attend and partake of the information gathering process. Two lovely ladies from his work watched the boys on their lunch break. Can't exactly go waltzing in to the clinic with our toddler twins in tow. That would just be rude and selfish. I was so thankful for their help, but also felt really bad that they had to give up their freaking lunch hour to accomodate us. Of course getting myself and the screaming boys packed and out the door was a major deal, we live over an hour from the clinic. Finally get to the clinic, looking like a cyclone hit me and proceed to sit and wait for 40 minutes because the doctor is late. Hmm, wish I'd known, I wouldn't have rushed around so much.

The doc we met with went over the procedure, I tried to ask questions, I had a ton. Got the distinct feeling he was annoyed with me, but fuck him, I'm paying them well. I swear, every time I asked a question, he'd smirk, his annoying doctor smirk, and say "I'm just getting to that". Apparently they have some sort of script they must read and my questions just threw him off and he can't talk to me like a normal human being.

Appointment 2- Poking and Prodding. Much work must be done and many tests run on my offending uterus in preparation for the FET. I have to beg and plead to get this appointment for a uterine sounding and a saline sonogram, yummy, before me period begins. So I enlist my girlfriend to watch the boys as I drive, drive, drive to an exciting session at the clinic involving stirrups and hopefully warm KY, the cold shit really sucks! A different doctor is performing the procedure, she's new and very nice. Christ, no warm KY! She's in there with her magic wand, checking out the situation.

Doctor: Are you on birth control pills?

Me: No, it wasn't part of my protocol.

Doctor: hmmmm, is there any chance you could be pregnant?

Me: that would be one helluva a shock, but I suppose anything is possible.

Doctor: Well, I can't in good conscience go on with the procedure. Our first oath is to "Do
No Harm"

Me: Well I wouldn't be here if I thought I was pregnant.

Doctor: Still, I'm going to have to confer with your doctor, he's not in so we'll call you.

I leave the office kind of baffled about what just happened. Why the heck did they insist I get in there within a certain time frame, only to quickly shove me out the door? The doctor later called me to let me know it was just a break down in communication. Apparently she meant to ask me if I was using any type of birth control in general, not just if I were on the pill. Crazy, so I have to re-schedule.

Appointment 3-Poking and Prodding Part II. So I enlist the help of my girlfriend yet again to watch my boys. They are screaming as I'm walking out the door and this puts me in somewhat of a foul mood. Why am I doing this again? Poor J, she has three children of her own, so she is very understanding, still I feel guilty leaving her this way. Out the door and drive, drive, drive to my appointment. Hurry, hurry, hurry and WAIT. Sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes. I know this whole thing is normal, this Jamaica time clock that the doctors run off of, but it annoys me. If I were this late to my appointment, they probably wouldn't even see me, yet they think nothing of letting Me sit out there and stew. They could at least have the courtesy to let me know he's running late, I know they would expect it of me if the situation were reversed.

Finally I get called back, only to sit for another 15 minutes. At least this time they have the KY on the warming station. yeah me! Doctor did some looking, shoved a catheter into my cervix to make sure it would fit and took a few picts. He was literally in and out of there in about 10 minutes. Quick Draw McGraw with a stethoscope!

This little session is supposed to cost me a little over $300, I called last week to make sure I had enough money in my account to cover it. I go to pay the little swindlers and they hand me a bill for $600! I'm quite shocked by this and ask why it's so high. The young lady seems surprised that I'm even asking. I tell her that just last week I was quoted closer to $300, phone calls are made, no one knows why I was quoted that, but the price remains firm and I hand over my check card. I don't even know if the transaction will go through and I tell her this. Now for some bizarre reason, my hormones decide that this is the exact time they will revolt against me. I feel the tears start to well up, face getting hot and I realize that I will not be able to keep them back. I try to avoid eye contact, but I know the gal sees my tears. I grab my receipt and quickly leave.

All the way home I'm crying, uncontrollably I might add. I'm pretty embarrassed by this whole turn of events, I don't like to cry in public, I don't know many people who do. When I get home I tell my GF all the gory details of my embarrassing outburst. She's very insightful and says it's now wonder with all the things going on, period, hormone drugs, yadda, yadda yadda. I decide she's right and decide to cut myself a break and try in vain to let some things go and not dwell on it.

At around 5pm that evening I get a phone call from the clinic. It's the lady in charge of all the financing at the clinic.

Bitchy: so I'm calling because I was told you left the clinic in tears because of my quote and the cost of your procedure.

Me: Well, yeah, it wasn't just that, I was having a rough day too.

Bitchy (in a really snide voice): Well based on that, I was called into the Vice President's office and asked to explain myself. My quote was correct for the procedures you asked me about. I didn't know you were having a third procedure done.

Me: well obviously neither did I, so what was the third procedure exactly?

Bitchy: Intro Saline

Me: Oh well, ok, thanks. ( never think of cool things to say until days later )

Bitchy (voice dripping with sarcasm) so you Do understand the rest of the payments that are to be made at your next appointment?

Me: umm yeah, I do

So after this call, I decide to feel like a big pile of shit, yet again. Not only did I embarrass myself in public, but now I've gotten this bitchy little woman in trouble with one of her bosses and she had to make sure and call me to let me know what a fool I am.


I'm still pondering the so called "extra procedure" when I realize what it is. When the doc was in there poking about, he squirted some saline water inside my uterus and took a couple of pictures. Who would of thought a squirt of water up my crotch would cost me $300 freaking dollars?!!. What a rip off, and this is just for one appointment, the rest will end up costing another 3 G's. Sadly an FET is just a fraction of what an IVF costs.


I'm still not happy about showing my face back at the clinic again. I can almost feel them whispering back there: "psss, there's that sad woman who lost it over a few hundred dollars, I feel sorry for her, so broke and so NOT in control of her emotions. what a pity."

Wow, I really can't believe L&E are turning 2 years old in a few weeks! It seems like just yesterday you were fighting for space in my belly. You've since moved your fighting to the family room, but I know you love each other and will someday become best buddies.

It must be difficult for you both, trying to navigate through this world without words. I'm sure the pointing, grunting and whining are just as annoying to you as they can be to me. Everyone says that it all goes by in the blink of an eye, just enjoy the moment, and I really do try to. Part of me wants you to grow up a little bit, talk, and express your thoughts to me and the other part of me wants to just freeze time.

Logan, you are creative, mystical and determined. I'm very curious about your world and what you are thinking. You have a fantastic imagination and you are very good at creating your own entertainment and making up new games. You love to explore your surroundings alone, but occasionally will come back to me for a snuggle of reasurance. Your favorite game right now is "chase me around the couch." You have a contagious laugh/giggle, beautiful dimples and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

Ethan you are sensitive, sweet and stubborn. You are quick to anger when you don't get your way, but you are just as quick to give a "big hug" and show affection. You love your books and learning about letters and numbers, even though you can't say them yet. I'm pretty sure that when you do decide to talk, it will be in complete sentences. You try to play with Logan, but he is often doing his own thing. Once you realize this, you do the next best thing for yourself by tormenting him. Usually you take away whatever he is playing with and run, in hopes that he will chase you. Sometimes he does, sometimes he just cries. Your eyes are beautiful shade of brown and so big. Your smile is as big and open as your heart is.

Right now both your cribs are near each other, back to back. At bed time you entertain each other by passing toys in between the cribs and having jumping contests. It sounds like a herd of elephants upstairs when you both get going! The other night you were both laughing hysterically. Daddy and I were very intrigued, as this is not something we usually hear from both of you at the same time, so we snuck upstairs to peek at ya. From what I could witness through the crack in the door, you were running up to each other and getting your faces really close, almost like rubbing noses, then you would flop back onto your mattresses, get up and run at each other again. Over and over for like 15 minutes you did this, it was really sweet to see you enjoying each other, instead of annoying each other. LOL Hopefully more of this to come.

The two of you are polar opposites of each other in both looks and personalities. As much as you drive each other nuts on a daily basis, I see the glimmer of love between the two of you and it really warms my heart. All in all you have more in common than you think and I'm excited to be here with you, witnessing the discovery of it all. I am such a lucky woman.

I love you more than words can express.

What the hell is this world coming to when a woman spends about 16 hours over the last 3 days, deep cleaning the entire house, only to have it destroyed in a mere 30 seconds by her F-ing dog?

The story starts and ends with the worst four letter word known to woman-kind....DIET. I need to lose about 20 pounds, probably more, but we'll start there. It's very frustrating, counting every damned point, trying not to fixate on the oatmeal cookies and goldfish crackers kept in my cupboard for the boys. I'm trying to eat healthy, whole foods, this requires much time and effort and really just plain pisses me off. I've been able to keep my mind off chocolate by cleaning the house till I'm about ready to collapse at the end of the day. It's a great plan, because my house is kind of dirty, not disgusting like Marla's house, but dirty none the less. So it's a Win-Win.

One of my dogs, Zoe also needs to lose about 20 pounds. She's turning into a giant black and white sausage. It's not pretty, on top of that she huffs and puffs and acts like she's going to have a heart attack at the end of the day. The vet said she needs to lose weight, and her thyroid is fine. So Zoe and I are dieting together. Hey at least I actually DO have a thyroid problem! And yes that does help me sleep at night, thank you very much.

Zoe now has special food, measured and points counted, just like me. But she has to eat outside alone, otherwise she'll just steal Havoc's (great dane) food.

She's been doing great this past week, but the withdrawals must have just started hitting her tonight. I discovered she had sneaked into the kitchen, which she is Never allowed in, and stole a baggie of cookies that were in Ethan and Logan's diaper bag. She heard me gasp at my discovery from the other room and high-tailed it upstairs to hide. She knew she was busted big time and she knew I was pissed off. She left quite a mess.

I go upstairs to fetch her and she sees me coming and she starts to pee, then starts racing through the house, pissing as she goes, knocking over a plant or two for good measure and continues down the stairs. The devastation left in her wake is nothing short of amazing. I managed to control my temper, not strangle her, and shoo her outside with a "bad dog."

I can't believe how pissed I am, now all I want is a fucking oatmeal cookie before I start to clean up the new mess. I suppose the cleaning can wait till tomorrow, but the cookies will be in my mouth in about 2 minutes. Fucking Diets.

Pake, zal ik u zo veel missen nu you've deze plaats verliet. U zult altijd in mijn hart en in mijn gedachten zijn. U bent en zult altijd een prachtige mens met een prachtig hart zijn. U zult zeer gemist worden maar ik ken you've gegaan op een betere plaats, waar u gemakkelijkere adem kunt. Nu kunt u over wij allemaal zonder de fysieke beperkingen van een lichaam letten op. Ik houd van u. Vaarwel voor nu.

with love,
Di

I wished I had found that book for you, the one about sailing and large ships. As you talked to me about it, your eyes lit up with wonder. At the time I thought it was the medication, or perhaps the cancer in your brain. Towards that time of the illness, you often spoke of people trying to steal your oxygen and you had no sense of time or space. You had never showed any interest in ships before, so I thought it was just a wild passing thought.

It's been so many years since you've died, but I still can't think of sailing or ships without shedding a few tears, sometimes a lot of tears. I wished I'd come back to the hospital with that fucking book, even if you had no idea why I'd brought it, even if you forgot the words and pictures the minute I left your room. Who am I to decide what your reality is and should be?

During your last days there were many incoherent and crazy things said. You were delirious and in and out of consciousness most of the time. Every now and then, it was like the storm clouds parted in your mind and you would speak as clear as day, like you weren't even sick.

The day you died, the last time I saw you; there was one of those clear moments. You said to me and mom "I'm ready to go home, I just want to go home." We tried in vain to convince you that you needed to stay in the hospital, but you would not sway on the subject. The most difficult thing I ever had to do was walk away and leave you in the hospital.

That night I dreamt I was there with you as you were dying. In my dream I was holding your hand as a nurse gave you a shot that would send you to sleep forever. I woke up before the first ring of the telephone. I knew it was going to ring and I knew what news was coming. I was surprised to find that I was holding on to my own hands in my sleep and not yours.

I realize now, that last day, you weren't talking about coming back to the house. Your "home" could only be reached by way of a vast ocean on a large and beautiful ship. I only wished I could have helped you prepare for your journey by reading to you about sailing, showing you pictures and easing your mind. It is ok that you had to go home, I understand now, but it still hurts.

Horoscopes
Diane's Daily Virgo Forecast
Quickie: Organize all your efforts into a cohesive whole. Choose a motto and an anthem.

The above was my Horoscope for the day. I'm a little pissed off by it, mainly because I don't think it's an easy task to come up with a personal motto, let alone freakin Anthem! How am I supposed to sum up my whole philosophy of "being" into a few sentences? On top of that, I'm supposed to write a song about myself? LOL Ridiculous, I say! It's an impossible undertaking in my opinion.

Not that I buy into the whole "horoscope" thing anyways. I have twin boys that were born 2 minutes apart. They are both Leo and so is my husband in fact. I live in the lion's den! Anyway, getting back to my point of the absurdity of horoscopes, for starters, my twins: They are polar opposites of each in both looks and especially temperament. I could list the ways they are in opposition to each other, but I don't have that kind of time. In regards to my sign; Virgo, I'm supposed to be a neat freak and super-anal. My husband wishes! I swear he does more cleaning and organizing than I do.

I know, the argument for my not living up to the Virgo sign could be explained away with whatever my "rising" sign could be, which is somehow determined by the time of day I was born. This does not explain my twins, like I said; they were born 2 minutes apart.

All in all, my opinion of horoscopes aside, I do kind of like the idea of a personal motto. Maybe it doesn't have to be one motto, I should be able to change it whenever I feel the need to, whenever a situation arises that I need guidance on. Perhaps I can change my motto daily to suite my mood? I like this idea much better. But where the hell do I start? I'm not very good at summarizing my thoughts, as anyone could see, based on my rambling blogs. Besides there are plenty of people who have put out quotes much better than I ever could.

I researched some of my favorite people and below are just a few of their quotes that I like. Even with all the wonderful, insightful quotes, I am hard pressed to pick ONE that I like best. Here are a several, inspiring quotes that I enjoy:

Quote: I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness or abilities that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Author: William Penn Source: Words for All Occasions by Glenn van Ekeren


Quote: The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them; there ought to be as many for love.

Author: Margaret Atwood Source: Love and Relationships: Inspirations for Meditation and Spiritual Growth by Eileen Campbell


Quote: Put away the book, the description, the tradition, the authority, and take the journey of self-discovery. Love, and don't be caught in opinions and ideas about what love is or should be. When you love, everything will come right. Love has its own action. Love, and you will know the blessings of it. Keep away from the authority who tells you what love is and what it is not. No authority knows and he who knows cannot tell. Love, and there is understanding.

Author: Krishnamurti Source: The Spirit of Loving compiled by Emily Hilburn Sell


Quote: To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children, to earn the approbation of honest critics; to appreciate beauty; to give of one's self, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--that is to have succeeded.

Author: Ralph Waldo Emerson Source: The Book of Positive Quotations


Quote: I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.

Author: Albert Einstein Source: The Quotable Einstein collected and edited by Alice Calaprice


Quote: The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

Author: Albert Einstein Source: The Quotable Einstein compiled and edited by Alice Calaprice


Quote: What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.

Author: Mother Teresa Source: The Power Principle by Blaine Lee


Quote: We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Author: Joseph Campbell


Quote: You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning... a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be.

Author: Joseph Campbell

See? Even my quotes and sources are all over the board! With this in mind I will have to content myself with the Einstien quote of curiosity for now. Today my personal motto will be:
Quote: I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious. This fits me today; I have no idea what it will be tomorrow.